#[capriel]

[ix-c-999]

We are considering making a (bodily) 18+ system server that is friendly to systems of all origins (as well as system-friendly singlets) and has a feature in which every user gets their own channel to spampost basically whatever they want, in addition to having different channels like most servers do. I run several other servers with this feature, and the user channels section is somewhat like having an account on a private social media site.

While anyone could join if they wanted and agreed with the policies (which would be mostly based on the kind of information you could gather from us by reading the about page on this blog), you would have to DM us to get the link, for privacy/security reasons.

I also wouldn't want it to ever become a very large server; I'm not sure what a lower limit would be (the largest server I run has ~30 members and is entirely manageable), but I wouldn't want it to have more than 100 members.

Interact with this post if you're interested, and feel free to ask questions about it!

[ix-c-999]

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Certain things about our life are becoming very similar to what our life was like in 2019, and I'm not sure I like it.

In 2019, we were addicted to various over-the-counter pills and obsessed with very dark topics (real and fictional). We went out almost all the time to concerts and movies. We had a best friend from in-person who knew a lot about us, but we struggled a lot with romance and mental health. A lot of people knew who we were, but few people knew the real us, and we very much lived inside our own head.

Now, we're addicted to weed, and we use several more substances too. We were able to give up our dark obsessions for some time, but we got back into them eventually. We have a best friend from online who generally knows the most about us. We still struggle with romance and mental health. We go out all the time to concerts and movies, but nobody knows the real us. We're living inside our head.

I don't know how I feel about it. I feel like it can't be healthy. But as a system whose systemhood heavily affects them, I know we can't be a system offline. And everyone online whose DNI we aren't on turns out to be a horrible and dangerous person...

[ix-c-999]

I know trial and error can be necessary, but it can't be your only way of learning. That's not sustainable. You do need some external guidance to be able to truly learn.

Unfortunately, my system seems to be in a situation where lots and lots of trial and error is the only thing we can do, and I can't think of a better way.

[ix-c-999]

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I rescheduled therapy for tomorrow morning so I can talk to my therapist about some concerns I've had.

Basically, I've thought of three very concerning experiences I could have potentially had in childhood. There are varying degrees of reason to believe that any of them could have happened, but given what my therapist has said of other things from my childhood, I think she's going to say that some of those things did indeed happen to some extent.

I'm worried she's going to say that all of it is likely to have happened. I'm genuinely unsure if I think that's likely or not. But the thing is that I'll often come in with something and say "It probably wasn't all that bad" and she'll tell me "No, I think it was worse than you thought it was", and so I really don't know if she'll do that this time.

All I know is that I really doubt she's going to say "Absolutely none of that could have happened at all".

[ix-c-999]

Maybe I would have gender euphoria if I were more xenogender. Due to neurodivergence and probably other things, I don't understand binary gender very well, despite having a binary-leaning gender. Therefore it's hard for me to find things that make me feel masculine, since the number of things that authentically register as masculine is very narrow and most of them aren't attainable to me.

But xenogenders are easier to understand. Ratgender is a gender that has to do with rats. Anything that has to do with rats could be considered conforming to ratgender. You don't have to debate about "what kinds of things fall under ratgender" or "what kinds of things are ratgender to you". Like, yes, there is obviously some discussion to be had about what the gender means to the individual people who have it, but it's not as open-ended or difficult to conclusively answer as "what kinds of things fall under masculinity". Masculinity isn't something that has a singular definition the way most xenogenders do.

Apparently an old host of the system got a lot of gender euphoria out of xenogender stuff, and I'm not really sure what changed, but it seems like, these days, my system leans more towards trying to validate their gender through masculinity or femininity and not things that are not traditionally viewed as gender. Maybe everyone in my system who struggles with being masculine would struggle less if we didn't pursue masculinity but wanted to feel more xenogender instead.

[ix-c-999]

I wish I knew how to get gender euphoria, but I don't pass, and I don't feel connected to my body anyway, and I don't really know what there is outside of receiving the right terms and pronouns that feels validating to my gender.

[ix-c-999]

I don't understand people who say that everybody equally has the capacity for harm but then talk about murder like it's an act only certain people are capable of.

[ix-c-999]

I feel like we (my system) are socially stagnating. I don't know what to do to prevent it. I'm the one in my system who's always supposed to know what to do but I don't know what to do about this.